crashing

I stood looking dumbfounded at the door, which had just shut silently behind her… I was shaking, my heart was pounding and I simply couldn’t breath. I was dieing… Why did it have to be like that? Why did it have to be all or nothing? My eyes slid across the room, falling on the shattered mirror… Thank god I hadn’t cut up the lines I was going to before the knock at the door. I had lost so much, but at least I could still get high and my body screamed to get high. I went to the bathroom and took down one of my make-up bags. I pulled out my compact, got a screwdriver and hammer, broke the mirror out of its case (cases just cause build up, I prefer my mirror as just that, a mirror), walked back to my couch broke up everything I had left (figure about a half gram or so) lined it up in five neat rails, picked up the phone and called my dealer (if I was gonna do this, I was gonna need more), hung up the phone, leaned over and inhaled, again and again and again and again and again… Until it was all gone. (Yes, I licked the mirror and blade) I sat back and let her fingers slide into my soul. She ensnared my heart as it began to pound, the rush of blood through my veins echoing in my ears. The moments before forgotten, as she wrapped me in her arms, entangling my senses and ensnaring my soul. I’m not quite sure what happened next, whether the phone or the doorbell rang first. I wiped my tear-stained cheeks, straightened up, yelled hang on and sat back down. I attempted the second time, grabbing the phone and answering it as I stood up. At the door I found one of my favorite girls, all dressed up and no one to go out with… On the phone my dad… I don’t remember the words, but I know that it’s all my fault and that I’m stupid and irresponsible, I also know he loves me and can’t understand why I do the things I do. He cried, I died again… I hung up the phone, looked at my girl and said let’s go. She asked if we could step inside, I said most certainly. She whipped out her pipe and we smoked ourselves into an increasing stupor. I asked if we could stop by my dealer’s as we put on our coats, she said yeah…as long as I shared, we both laughed, like that wasn’t going to happen… We got to my dealer’s and we got high again, have I mentioned that at this point I had about a gram surging through me? We headed for the club, I’m glad I wasn’t driving, the tracers where intense off the lights of the world. She threw a cigarette pack at me and told me to light a joint…I didn’t need telling twice. I remember getting to the club, I remember my first couple of drinks and dancing and lights and music and faces, lots of faces… I remember leaving the club, I remember the party after, I remember the sun rising, the eight ball snug in my purse, the boys were being generous and who could pass up generous… I remember stumbling home, the world buzzing with life around me. Me greasy from days of not showering, hiding behind sunglasses tinted as dark as the moonless night sky… The sun hurt, hurt everything, I just wanted to get home…