Truth and lies

I managed to make it home, but truth be told I‘m not sure if I wanted to… There was more than one bus, more than one vehicle that looked suitable for jumping out in front of. I have realized more than I thought that I would while keeping track of my thoughts. One is that I am not a good person; two is that I am on a path of self-destruction that my middle-class suburbia family doesn’t understand. They will never understand that it doesn’t take a shitty childhood with abuse, of any kind, to create an addict. They will never realize that just because I have brains doesn’t always mean that I want to use them. I spent most of my life dying to fit in with any of the kids at school. I never did. I don’t want to be someone’s poster child or letter of example. These are my choices, drugs did not ruin me, they ensnared me, there is a difference. To often I see or hear people complain that drugs destroyed their lives, what a cop-out that is. We make the choices, drugs don’t. By blaming drugs, we are just often putting blame onto something other than ourselves. (This is a society thing right now, it’s everyone else’s fault, it’s the experiences in my life’s fault) When are we going to stand up and take responsibility for the things that we do and the people that we hurt with our choices? I know that I’ve made bad or wrong choices, but they were/are my choices. Now I am forced to make a choice I never wanted to, my family or my lifestyle… I understand that it’s hard to watch someone be an addict, but is giving him or her an ultimatum really the best option? Clean up or else? I hate to tell the ‘preacher’s’ of the world, but whoever gives me the ultimatum is the one who loses… at least in most life decisions. Giving up your family isn’t easy, though neither is giving up an addiction. Most sober people would say that there isn’t even a question as to what to give up, but it isn’t that easy for an addict. We never, and I do mean never get rid of our addiction, it is always there in the back of our minds even when it isn’t right in front of us. Just ask any smoker, you always crave that habit, that addiction when you get stressed, or when things in life go wrong. Granted acquiring powders is a little bit trickier than going to the store and picking up a pack of smokes, but it can still be done… The point of all this, I sit here with a mirror in front of me, a few rails lined up, wondering if tomorrow will be any different.