A moment for myself

I couldn't bring myself to face the world today. I decided instead to continue putting my puzzle together that I started this morning...at three am. It's amazing how my fingers shake, yet they still seem to find the perfect piece in record time. That's the nice thing about Meth, I actually have time to do something for myself...

anticipation

I ran out today...it was not good. I called my dealer about two in the afternoon, he told me an hour tops and he could hook me up. I lined up the last two small rails I had and sat down to wait. An hour went by, two hours, three hours, I was out...where was he? I called, no answer. It was agony waiting, lying on the couch just wanting a fix. I finally got up and start to look through all of my stuff, there had to be a little bit left in the house somewhere...Maybe along the sides of the mirror I can scrape enough out. Four hours and I started to shakeand nausea began to set in. By the fifth hour I was curled up on the couch, in the fetal position with a thin layer of sweat building all over my body. I lost track of time, fading in and out of restless, fittful sleep. A knock at my door startled me awake, the green glow of the clock told me it was ten thirty five. I slid off the couch onto my feet and shuffled to the door (my head felt like it was going to explode). My dealer stood there looking at me as I stood in the doorway and told him to come in.

I thought I was going to explode with antisipation as I waited for him to give me my shit... Finally he went to hand it to me, but just before he dropped it in my open, waiting palm, he told me that I didn't look so hot (yeah right, he deals dope, he doesn't care about me). I didn't even wait for him to leave as began to chop up the beautiful crystals. I got just enough done for a single line and inhaled. I cleared my nasal passeges and continued cutting. I looked up and saw my dealer shaking his head, then he turned and left. The door clicked as he shut it and a sudden rush swept through my body. I had what I needed. I did up another line, got up walked to the door and turned the dead bolt...

A walk through the woods

A friend knocked on my door today and asked if I wanted to get out of my unnaturally dark apartment, to search for fresh air. Just opening the door almost killed me, the sunlight was overwhelming with its brightness. I figured what the hell, why not. I changed clothes (I hadn't showered in a few days, but I figured deoderant, parfume and new clothes would be enough (more effort than I've put into myself in weeks, possibly months...(hey what day is it anyway? ) I also put on my blackest tint sunglasses. cuz bright light sucks. I told her I'd be right out, as I slipped into the bathroom for a minute. I cut three nice size rails quick, inhaled, looked in the mirror, fluffed my hair and headed back to the living room.

I asked what she had in mind as I slid into the passengers seat of the car. She said she thought we could go out to the State Park just outside of town and just walk and talk. (It was here I started to get a bit nervous, about what I wasn't sure) As we drove I realized how glad I was that she was driving as I just wanted to glaze over and chain smoke. We got out of the car, crossed the road and set off at a leisurely pace down the path.

At first we just talked back and forth about nothing of any consequence. A little over half way she looked at me and told me that I looked like shit. I told her I didn't know what she was trying to say. She told me I was full of shit and that all I had to do was look in the mirror at myself, truly look and I would know what she was saying. I argued back that she was just afraid to get to the point. She lashed back with me looking like shit was the point, the bags under my eye's, my sudden drop in weight, the small scabs that she saw whenever I pulled my sleeves up, (long sleeve shirts are nice I tell you) and the fact that I smelled like I hadn't showered in a week (ok maybe two, but I was busy) were clear indications that something was up. I told her I was just busy and didn't notice the time passing between shower's and sleep is something I do in spurts. (also because I am busy, this is not a lie) Concern came into her voice (It reminded me of the dentist a little, but a very little) and she paused in the middle of the path to look me square in the eyes and tell me she was concerned. She pointed out that I'm hardly ever in class anymore and even when I am it doesn't seem like I'm there. I stood quietly glancing at her, but mostly following the ants as they moved along the ground with my eyes. For just a moment a thought flashed through my head that maybe it was the drugs...but how could something that makes me feel so free, so good be so bad? I looked up at her with a soft smile on my lips and assured her that it was just me being busy, not enough time in the day, things of that nature. We walked the rest of the way in silence, her in her world me in mine. I slid back into the passenger seat of her car and softly sang along to the radio and we passed through the streets to my building (if you sing you can't talk). The silence wasn't uncomfortable, but there was a strain in the air. As she put the car into park she looked at me one more time, told me if I needed anything to call. (yeah right, like she had any good hook-ups) I was fine up until this point when she grabbed me; hugged me tight; kissed me on the cheek;whispered that she loved me, even if I didn't believe her; kissed me on the other cheek and pulled away. There was a single tear drop sliding gently down her cheek... I got home (grateful to be back in the darkened bliss) turned on some Ozzy and sat on my couch. I looked out my window (the things in the shadows almost got in last night, but I was to quick for them) and attempted to think about something different, something that would take away the nagging at the back of my brain...something that would make on single tear disappear from my memory...I reached for the mirror and inhaled.

something in the shadows

I know I've mentioned them before, the things in the shadows outside my window... I sit staring at them, seeing them move out of the corner of my eye. I wonder what they want from me...where their going to try and take me. There did you see it? Just on the other side of that tree? Deep in the darkness, dancing in the shadows... Did I lock the door? Wait I don't know about the windows...I need to check...but their moving again in the shadows... I slide my hand across my desk to where my mirror sits, Can't sleep or they'll find a way in...

a moment

I can't stop twitching...I try and do things and I shake...my hands won't quit shaking...I've written on so many pieces of paper that my fingers are bruised...I don't remember...anything, past this post...hang on let me grab my mirror...it'll all be ok...

which day is it anway?

I'm confused or maybe just lost. I don't have any clue what day it is. Everything started out normal, a few rails, grabbed my books and left out the door. It was when I got to my first class of the day that I began to realize something was amiss...the door was locked and the lights were out, maybe the professor was ill? I went to the office to check. I walked in and asked my question, the girl behind the desk looked at me funny and laughed. I was confused...(to say the least) When she had regained her composure (to a point) she told me that my class met on Tuesdays...It was Thursday. Embaressed I backed out of the office. Thoughts raced through my mind...how did I screw this up? Oh well, since I didn't have class I decided to retire to my room and the tranquility of the 'gifts' waiting there. The one thing I could count on, the one thing I didn't screw up.

a little dose of reality

I had a dentist appointment today. (yeah, even tweaking balls) I figured, no big deal, how is my dentist going to know that I'm out of my right mind? Well, I found out...not that he really knew I was flyin at that exact moment. He did sit down beside me, on his little swivel stool, he spoke with what seemed great care and concern... He asked me what I had been doing that would make my teeth start to decay so fast. I mumbled that I didn't know. I'm an average college student, I consume massive amounts of pizza and soda. (well, the pizza depends on whether or not I actually remember to eat anything at all, but the soda...any true tweaker will tell you, there's nothin like a bit of caffeine to boost your day) I blamed anything I could instead of telling him the true answer. His eyes looked sad as he told me that he had known me since I was a child and my rapid tooth decay didn't make sense. I simply shrugged, my eyes glued to the floor...Who is he anyway, pretending to be so concerned about me? The truth is I'm the only one who cares for me...so what difference does it make if I decide to get a bump every now and then? It's my life.

Sleep

Sleep finally found its way into my life, fifteen hours of nothing, no dreams, no thoughts. I awoke with a start and immediatley reached for my mirror...I don't know what I'm doing. After a good sized rail I sat in front of my computer, wondering (with a mind refreshed) why anyone would want to lead a life without being high. Why would anyone pass up the opportunity to feel such a beautiful release? To function at a higher level? To be able to work longer and harder than the next guy. Isn't that what it's all about, the rat race? Getting ahead, being better than the next guy. I get so much done, my papers seem to write themselves, I don't even notice when time passes me by while reading. I don't have to worry about having enough hours in the day, and I'm not really hurting anyone am I?

back of my eyelids

It's been so long since I've seen the back of my eyelids...I wonder at times if I ever will again. There is madness within the bliss I have found and it's eating at my soul...

waiting for salvation

I'm waiting for salvation from the crumb corner blues...I just need him to get here. My skin has been crawling, literally, it seems to be sliding over my fingertips even as I write... I just need to see if there is any bit left on the mirror... maybe I can manage a line out of what is left...I just need him to get here. What's that? Out there in the dark...can't you see it moving? There's something there...please just let him get here, it's been twenty minutes since he said he was on his way. I want to think straight, Just a bit to help me think straight...

still awake

I'm still awake and I stare over my screen, watching the things in the shadows, the things that are out there trying to get in... My window offers me a look into the world at large where in the shadows hide the people who will try to take this bliss away... I reach over and pick up the mirror, three rails lay neatly waiting...waiting for me to take them into myself, so they can explode into my being and release me from my fears... I can't resist them... So I inhale and I stare out the window, waiting for the things to come and get me...

what a day it was...

The truth is that shortly after I posted the last post a friend stopped by, she was on her way to class and was wondering if she could borrow my razor and mirror. Sure, as I had just done three rails; one can never deny a friend in need - and hey she usually shares...bonus for me! I think it was roughly 6 o'clock pm before either of us realized that we had both completley missed class. We made a command decision at this point (well as much of one as we could), we called her dealer, finished off what was left (I lost track of the number of rails awhile ago), and went to meet him. I went in with her (this was a first), we sat in a dingy, dark living room on a worn and tattered couch. The guy smelled beyond belief and I couldn't help but notice the holes that covered his arms and face, this is irrelevent as all I really cared about was the package in his hand. My friend and I went in together, an eight-ball all around. I figured, hey grab it and lets go, her dealer had other plans...He pulled out his personal and started to break up the beautiful crystals that slid from the bag. There's just something about the way glass looks... anyways, he filled his glass pipe and he passed it around, again and again and again. I'm not sure when my friend decided to leave, but she grabbed my arm and whispered in my ear that we needed to go. We made our niceities and walked out the door. As we crawled into the car she started to giggle...we must have sat there for at least half an hour, laughing until tears streamed down our cheeks and our sides hurt. I don't have a clue of the time, but we finished off the night by meeting a few friends out for drinks (and shots and lines and blunts and, well just and). Needless to say recalling the events that followed is a foggy experience at best, but I know that I still haven't slept and I'm not sure I intend to...(I'll sleep when I'm dead and even then I'm not sure)

falling down

I collected myself off of the bathroom floor this morning...(yes I slept there) I felt like a semi-truck had driven through my apartment and ran me over. I walked out into my living room, holding my head (and looking for something to spit in as my lungs and throat felt a need to purge themselves of the substance that covered them) I looked on the table and there lay my salvation; a small corner of a baggie tied off on top...my heart raced there was still some left. More than I thought actually as I lined the rails up. I leaned over, straw in hand, and wondered if this was the right thing to do (it was a small short thought) and then I inhaled. The burn isn't even an issue of pain anymore, it's more like a sweet announcement, that soon I will no longer feel or think... I love that, a promise of certain bliss... I never have adjusted though to the taste of the 'slide' going down the back of my throat...

a look in the mirror

I awoke this morning, looked in the mirror and found the person staring back at me unrecognizable. Her sunken cheeks and eyes, the breakout that had consumed my entire body. I ran my fingers through my hair and when I looked I found clumps threaded into my fingers...I started to cry...what had I become? I crashed into the wall behind me and slowly sank, becoming a wrecked pile of human flesh upon the bathroom floor... I don't know how I got here... I don't know how to get out...